Continuing the story
This is a continuation of the story written by ziyang available at
Ziyang's Blog and also
Zente's Blog And of course, you might want to visit the last of my blog
here.Um..no love stories there.
This music goes well with the plot, so you might want to listen to it as you read.
六个月后男六个月。这一段时间说长不长，说短不短。他找到了工作，也在一个没有她的世界开始了新的生活。他尝试过放弃她，希望能借这段她在国外的时间把它给忘了。每当他看到一对对情侣打情骂俏的样子， 他便幻想着终于有一天能和她在一起。
咳，我到底在想什么啊？想也没用，他走了！！Dude, forget her!
可说道容易，做道难。四年深深的友谊，他哪可能说忘就忘。有些时候他告诉自己，如果真的喜欢她，就因该祝福她。只要能看到她幸福快乐，就算在她身旁的不是自己也无所谓。有人说爱与被爱是世界上最美好的，可他却只求能永远爱她
他也常问自己是否能够一辈子就这样默默的守护着她，看着她快快乐乐的和另一个人共度终生？从他们告别的那天起，心中的矛盾就这样纠缠着他。
天啊！我到底该怎么做事好。我干吗老是这么优柔寡断？我还算得上是男人吗？
过了那么久，他仍然无法摆脱心中的困扰。只是一直把它给抛到脑后，尽量不去想。可这一天，他再也没有逃避的退路了。
手机响起，有封间讯。着么会？竟然是她？这么久没见到她，对她思念的情感一时间洪水泛滥般的流露。他的眼眶亮了。
Hey! How have you been? I haven’t heard from you for months!! I just got back to Singapore. => Really? That’s wonderful. You never said you were coming back.
Well that’s because you never called nor SMS me at all. I thought you disappeared!! >(I am sorry, I’ve been busy lately. That’s why.
Oh really? Anyway, let’s meet up this weekend.不成！这是约会吗？他愣了，脑袋一片空，不知道该怎么回答。他的确是很想念她，也很想和他见面。 可是。。。就是这么一个空当的可是。。。
Hmm…I am sorry, I am busy this weekend as well. Don’t think I can make it.
Is that so? What are you busy with….hey…are you avoiding me? 就这样一针见血地把他给说中了。
What’s wrong dude?我究仅在逃避什么？
I am sorry…
That’s the third time you said sorry in 5 mins. I don’t care. See you this sat at coffeebean paragon.3pm. I will make you really sorry if you are late.就这样，他坐在沙发上想了一整个晚上。这是机会吗？与其在这段暧昧的关系中纠缠，不如大胆的跨出这一步，勇敢地向他告白。不行，万一他对我毫无感觉，自是纯粹的友谊那以后怎么办？又是一个结不开， 让大懊恼的结。
星期六终于到了星期六那一天。他心里也不知道是期待，还是犹豫。不能不去，这样一来她一定会很失望。他也下定了决心，不能再像以前那样妞妞赫赫。今天，就是他向她告白的日子。
约好在咖啡厅，他们就像回到了大学时期，尽情地说着说着。然后。。。
“有一件事我一直藏在心里，没有像你表白”
“什么事？”
“。。。我。。。其实我。。。”
“你老是这个样子，讲话吞吞吐吐的。有话就说嘛。”
她说得对。好！把握机会说啊：“其实我我喜欢你，第一次和你见面就开始喜欢上你了。我一直以为，能一直当你最好的朋友，默默的守护你就够了。可是我压抑不了对你的感觉。。。我。。。对不起”
他大胆的告白，让她愣了。那双可爱迷人的眼睛，就这样注射着他。
她的沉默也让他又开始胡思乱想：“我是不是说错话了。不。我心里怎么想，就怎么说。你说话啊。说你对我也有所感觉。。。我想太多了吧。。。”
她低下了头，似乎想隐满脸上的表情。长长的头发，紧贴在稀薄的双唇，美的如此不藏风尘。以往他们两人总是有说有笑的。如今彼此之间的沉默，使气氛显得十分尴尬。
她呆了好久，什么也没说。可最后还是露出了一个勉强的微笑，然后说道：“你又来了，每次有事没事的就爱说对不起。咳，算了。你说你最近很忙，到底在忙些什么？有没有想我？怎么没有跟我联络？你知道吗，美国可好玩。。。” 她就这样说着说着，一瞬间说了那么多，但却完全没有对他的表白有所回因 。
他的心开始下雪了。。好冷。。“这，就是你沉默的拒绝吗？”
GirlIt has been six months since she left for the states. A new environment, a life that was totally different. She was never the type who assimilates into new environments easily.
It reminded her of the days when she first went to the local university. But back then, there was him. He was always there by her side, always there to pick her up and encourage her in whatever she did. A listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. He was the greatest gift in her life.
All this while, she wondered if her feelings were one sided. They were the best of friends, and yet it seemed like there was something beyond that sphere of friendship; something more beautiful beyond that non-existent boundary, just waiting for someone to take the first step. The same question had bugged her since day one: Beyond this friendship, is there love?
For so long, she had waited. And it seems the only answer she ever got was his perpetual care and concern. The day she left for the states, she felt she finally got her answer. She had to move on.
That’s when she met Zach. They stayed in the same apartment and had much to share over the six months. And who is to say that true love can never be moved. Living under the same roof does make magic. Zach has always been frank about his feelings for her and over time, she too had a crush for him.
So she asked “What about him? Why do I still miss him then? What about Zach. I do like him. Gosh? Is this really possible? Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe we were not meant to me. Why hasn’t he contacted me for months? Is he already with someone else? Maybe…Maybe…” a million uncertainties.
Saturday AfternoonCoffebean is crowded as usual. He still remembers her favourite drink. Yes, without the whip cream. He knew her so well. Everything about her, even the finest details seem second nature to him. Thay started chatting. About the good old days, of the time they first met, the grueling hours spent studying together at Macs and the Graduation Ball. And then he fell silent. He looked like there is something he desperately wants to say.
n
“What is it? Is it about us?” she thought, praying and yet dreading to find out.
There is something I have been waiting to tell you.
“What is it?”
“I….I..er..actually”
“There you go again. If there is something you want to say, go ahead.”
“To be honest with you, I have had these feelings for you since day one. I always thought that by being your best friend on earth, there is nothing more I can ask for. I just can’t hide these feelings anymore. I..er…I am sorry. ”
She was stunned. Everything came crashing down on her in an instance. She wanted to cry but she did not know if it was sadness or joy. Once, she was confused. Now, she felt lost. Do you know how long I have been waiting to hear you say such words? Why do you only tell me how you feel when it’s all too late? Could it be true that it takes more than mutual love for relations to take flight? Why do you confess only when there is already someone else in my heart? What am I to do now?
“That is so You! You really love to apologize for nothing. Hey what have you been busy with? So busy you couldn’t give me a call? Did you miss me? The states is great fun…” and she went on an on, saying nothing at all.
Her heart sank. A million bubbles of hopes she long held burst into tears. “Are we really not meant to be?”
I tried to adhere to the rules. Of nothing but making her happy. What set out to be a casual crapping session turned into a heavy conversation. Geez, wonder how she is feeling. Hope she is not feeling sucky cos of that. Hope Gerald makes her smile. Kaoz. Why am I so nice. Always say things that I don't understand and then DC on me.
Well...I tried to resolve it before she flew back again but she kept avoiding the topic. Now it all happens again with us in two seperate land. Singapore is an island....And then she suggest we continue with the once condemned pact. She says "to sort ourselves out", but ya know girls never mean what they say, its an age old fact. I guess she meant " keep trying to get over it ". Well ironically, those were quite my exact thoughts last september. I proposed it and went along with the terms with much finese. But those days were indeed terrible because I was acting against what I really felt. Now I am indeed quite reluctant to resume it. But since its her will, I shall do just that.
Not surpirsing, her blog is no longer active because I know of its existence. Even if she writes, its all for show and I guess the contents will not be deeply rooted in her heart, like it was. So what do I do now, the pact
my way?If she wants to sort out her feelings, she will have to reach it like she did a couple of months back. That means, things will have to be as per the last time. At least thats how I see it.But, what if I put her through the same shit all over again. Haiz...decisions decisions decisions.I guess thats the way it has to be. Do her will, so long as she is happy. Real amazing thing is how she is contradicting all that she said that night. So who do I believe now? The one who was trying to bring across and idea to me just now, or the one who was almost crying on 27th Dec.Hmm....For the third time, I wonder where the good luck charm is. Hope it does bring good luck. OK the pact is back and I hope she will be just fine. She knows she can end it by simply saying so.
Sheesh..a promise is a promise and I have to abide by it. Getting over her ain't easy man. Spent almost a year trying and when I almost totally believed in my lie, all efforts when down the drain.I feel bad now, because I am adopting an almost nonchalant attitude. That forms part of the reason why I am willing to go along with the pact this time round. I am sorry for being selfish. If 4 years later, feelings remain unchanged then too bad. Again, life is too short to think about everything, somethings are better left ignored.
QiuJuan was saying I am not quite Kelvin anymore. Hmm.. thats actually very true. I think I have changed alot these days due to many things and many people around me. Remember how neither Zen nor Zon were complete but they complement each other. I think I am heading in that direction, for good. And of late, I have totally tarnished to image of this blog. Its meant to carry a deep serious tone to depict Zon's character. But I can't do it cos I am no longer like that. Infact, Zon's book " The days " can be considered closed quite some time ago. I think I should move on with the series and attract a new host of readers. Haha.
Pardon me zente, for my vision is coloured by the shadows of hatred.
Forgive me for bearing single minded opinions.
I lack both the ability to think without care for feelings
and the love to look beyond my narrow sight.
Zente has two sides and I saw only the image of destruction and not the host of delivery.
I am far from what I wish I could attain.
Enough
Enough is really enough. Enough means that it has to come to and end. Enough of all this nonsense. Enough of all this speaking in the refined tone like Zon. Enough for tolerating this despicable and unacceptable absurb attitude. Why did I fail the last time.
I went to the market with my sister this morning. Last night, I heard my dad's revelation of tears over how my mother, no that ccb, have been oppressing my sister. And I wonder, how on earth does a girl like my sister deserve such a life. Tell me, how many girls at the age of 18 actually knows the people at the market. How many actually have ever step foot into a wet market before. How many can actually tolerate being screwed from day to night daily to satisfy the fury of a maniac. And she tolerates while my dad watches in tears and I keep my heartbreak mumb. Without her, there is always laughters and joy among the 4 of us. One bitch screws up my family. I wish she get struck by lighting. None will understand this madness unless he goes through it personally. Trust me...
And so much for talking about love.All I conjure when i step home to this madness is my cruel, defiant and unimaginable hatred. Have I been reduced to her standards. Curse me if I have.
Of siblings and parenthood
In SOTL, Zen won over the lives of his parents. He ended his prized winnings with a slit of the throat. The question is: for what purpose was such an acted performed. We do know that there were major conflicts within the family and acts of violence were thus well innoculated in their upbringing.Still, its totally wrong and unthinkable for the twins to commit
murder through such morbit means. Its just not their style. In later events, we see them delivering their
preys though temptations and mental breaks. They coercion their targets to eventual suicide. Thats their style. My guess is, at the age of 6, both zen and zon were too young and thus the only means they could manage was direct murder. This is totally unacceptable because of the lack of style and finese.
Or was it because it was too difficult to force suicide out of both pop and mom, considering the circumstances then? It is indeed difficult to do so, or at least when I had my share of an attempt, it didn't quite work out. Infact, even when the conditions such as the mental state of the subject is favourable to commiting such an act, making one end his or her life isn't an easy task.
It was January 2004. I returned home with everything planned out. From the first step of inducing a hightened state of anxiety, to the intermitten play of mind and then the final blow, I had it all rehearsed. It all went well initially. My mother plunged into a state of mental breakdown, made rather obvious by her irrational speech, uncontrolled tone and behaviour. She did claim that she will commit suicide eventually. I thought I have done the job. But truth is, it remained a claim. Making her generate such a thought of suicide was only part of it. When she left home for a week. I couldn't help but believe that she had actually went along with suicide. Much to my dismay, it didn't fall through. I believe fear - of death - was the major obstacle. In her mind it was probably all go, but fear held her back. Do note that fear of death is quite the opposite of the desire to live.
Had my plan fall though then and there, without later interruption from my father, things would be all fine by now. I reckon that it will take a week for us to get use to managing the daily chores without and additional burden around. A month or two to tide through the emotional setback from the lost of a parent is quite realistic. Two years later in the present, there will not be a
resurface of the problem, no, the infestation. Considering her age of 54 now, it will be another decade till her pity life expire on her. 5 yrs for elyse and me to step into our individual lives, seperate from my mom's destructive presence.But i have my youngest sister to worry about.
I have long went beyond hatred for the witch. At the present moment, I feel myself falling beyond despise as well. Its becoming impossible to conjure a word to depict my intense negative impression of her. A person like her, who blatently defies human social behaviour and even the most natural of inate maternal love, should not exist at all. Not as a living being, not as an entity and infact not at all in any form. What now? Guide me Zente, like you guided zen and zon who were the shepherds of your religion.
Boring day
What a boring day. I woke up, and its all shine. It stopped raining somewhere between 4am and dawn. How accurate can I get. Geez. And the day crept on with a boring momentum of lifelessness.
I tried studying but could only last 25mins through my sister's economics notes. Should have brought my
forbes,
men's health and
essence of style back. So I tried to level up in maple instead. I can't believe I am actually playing such a kiddish game
Haiz..sigh...Sentosa tomorrow? Somehow I wish it just rain the whole day instead.Bah bah...black sheep...have you any wool.
Raining
Blogging is a total waste of time if not for the fact that it is part of the 3rd concern in my life. It is Sunday, 8th December 9.24pm Singapore time. The past 24hrs have crawled by at an infinitely slow pace, much to my delight.
As if to mimic my mood, its has been raining for more than a day.I am no poet, but this short period of time felt like forever. Forever in a past tense. It will eventually stop raining unless there is some kind of magic. I wish it rain forever. But wishes are wishes. Unless I topple the hourglass, the sands of time will keep flowing by and the non-persistent shall change.
Zon says life is too short to think about everything. Some things are better left for the heart to feel than for the mind to rationalise. True. Still there is a time for those that are beautiful to come to pass. What can one do to keep things in a state of stasis, of forever, without the past present and the future.
Zon has been missing for 2 weeks, since christmas eve. Has anyone seen him? He left a CD of the song Promise Me by Beverly Craven. It bears his handwriting. I wonder what kind of fantasy drove him to write something for himself. He wished he heard these words from someone?
You light up another cigarete and
I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light now
I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night
You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away
lying by my side
when I go away
I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon
When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon.
-Zen
KTG
I was tossing in bed, thinking of my recent decadence. I couldn't sleep, until I reach a conclusion that I should start living like I did in those JC days. I set fresh piorities for myself and vowed to abide by the rule of three. There will only be three things in my life that is worthy of concern. I shall not care about anything that falls beyond that.They are as follow:
1. Social Standing
2. Career
3.
SecretYou know what KTG means? KTG means you know what you want and you set forth to conquere. Nothing is unattainable so long as you have the determination to achieve. When have I failed?
